I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
