I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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