you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
