I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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