I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
