the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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