Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
