i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
