I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
