listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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