Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
