Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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