and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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