i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
whose ass print is on the piano?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
