I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
