I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
