I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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