so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
