I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
