I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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