The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
