I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
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I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
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Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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