So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
