Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
