my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
