i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
