I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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