You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
