umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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