You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
