wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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