I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
