I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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