Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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