My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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