My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
