Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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