i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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