my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
he high fived his dick after we had sex
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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