Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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