i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The uberlube is also flammable
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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