So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
