dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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