Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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