i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The Olympian is in my bed
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
