How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
