Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
