She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
