He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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