I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
