If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
