I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
