how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
