k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Randomize
