hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
