so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
