Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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